A Long Week

This week has had a lot of ups and downs for me. While parts of the week have flown by, a lot of it has dragged on. At the end of last week I started coming down with a cold, which always drains me and so I have spent most of the week exhausted just from that. Work has also been really tiring. With it getting to the end of the semester I have been busy wrapping the semester up and getting everything ready to go for next semester. All of my reports needed to get turned in by today and they can be really stressful to work on. Another thing is that I have been really struggling with getting my work study co-workers to sign up to work events. It seems like they are all busy at the same time. Last year just seemed to run so much more smoothly in this area. After a ton of deliberation I have decided that I am running next semester differently and they may be in for an awakening by having to take on a little bit more responsibility. I think I am also a bit more stressed out this week because I am having a hard time falling asleep because I keep getting anxious, this is the worst part of the things I have to deal with from the past few years. I hate having the flashbacks and panicking over nothing most of the time...

On the flip side I had an amazing day on Tuesday. I ended up going up to the Wasatch Campus in Heber to help out with their Stress Busters. I got to work early and got everything ready to go (which is so unlike me). I got paid to have fun. The campus there does not have very many students so most of the time I helped Melanie out by coloring kits to give to the day care. When I wasn't coloring I was getting some of the guys to play frisbee golf (I have never seen anyone as bad as they were, and I spent a lot of time laughing about it). I also got a free lunch and a massage. It was totally worth the trip. Also while I was up there... I saw Mark Eaton, boy is he tall! After coming home I was invited to go to the first home game for the Utah Flash. Ron had extra tickets and I have a hard time passing up a sporting event. Going places with Ammon and Ron are always interesting.... I had a blast there!

This about sums up my week! I think the best thing is that tomorrow is Friday and that means Rykert will be here. I absolutely love him and love spending time with him!

Go Cougars

All season long I have been looking forward to attending the BYU/Utah game. I was however nervous to go to the game with my friend Mitchell, who was planning on dressing completely in red. It was just my luck that he ended up canceling on me and my friend Ryan came instead.

The game was everything that I had hoped for. It remained close enough that the game was far from being boring. For a little while I was really nervous for my cougars. They were down by one with like two minutes left in the game. It got even worse when it ended up being 4th down and 18 to go. Thankfully the cougars made a huge play and ended up getting a touchdown and then going for 2 extra points. It was such an amazing game! I am just really happy that they won so that my co-workers won't have something more to tease me about for the rest of the semester. Hopefully the cougars get invited to a decent bowl game!

I had so much fun taking pictures of the game. All season long I have had a small crush on Max Hall... He is so hot! I was able to get some semi-decent pictures of him (or at least semi-decent from way up at the top of the stadium)

A time to Ponder...

With today being Thanksgiving Day, I have been sitting and pondering the amazing things that I have in my life. There are so many things that I am grateful for...

I am grateful to be born into such a loving family. My mom and my siblings are my best friends in all the world. I know that they will stand behind me no matter what decision I make in my life.

I am grateful for all of my many friends that have been there for me whenever I have needed an extra hand. They have been amazing help to me over the past year. Like my family, I know I can always count on them to be here for me.

I am grateful for the gospel. Without it I would be completely lost. I am so thankful for Joseph Smith and his desire to find the right church. I am also thankful for the prophet that leads and guides us today. I love President Hinckley!

I am extremely grateful for Christ and for the loving sacrifice he made by giving his life so that all of us could repent and return to live with him one day. I have seen the atonement work in my life and it amazes me!

I am grateful for my father and the role that he has played in my life since leaving this world almost a year and a half ago. Without him I would still be in a huge mess. I have no doubt in my mind that he loves me more than anything!

I am grateful for the opportunity I have had this past year to attend the temple. I have learned so many things through attending the temple that have made me a better person. I can't wait to be able to return.

I am grateful for the trials that I have had in my life. Even though I hate going through them I have seen the way that they have helped strengthen me and make me a better person.

The list goes on and on...

My Search for a Rhett

A couple of weeks ago I was sitting in my counseling session talking to my counselor about some of my recent issues. Out of no where she looks at me and says, " You are a Scarlett and you need to find yourself a Rhett"...

After saying this she went on to see if I understood what she meant from that statement. She was not sure if I knew anything about Gone with the Wind. What she didn't know is that I consider Scarlett O'Hara one of my role models.

I can remember the first time that I read the book Gone with the Wind. I was a sophomore in high school and once starting the book I was hooked. I will be the first to admit that at the beginning of the book I could not stand Scarlett because I thought that she was nothing but a whiny spoiled brat.

Through out most of the book my opinion of her did not change. She went throughout the book chasing after a guy that she could never obtain, but at the same time he was someone who never could have made her happy. I grew really frustrated with her because she had (at least in my opinion) this amazing man that would have done anything for her and yet she didn't realize this until the end of the book when according to Rhett it was too late for them.

I hated the way that this book ended because more than anything I wanted Scarlett and Rhett to be together because in my opinion they were perfect for each other. While this is where Margaret Mitchell left us, I am grateful for Alexandra Ripley and her sequel called Scarlett. While the Scarlett in Gone with the Wind was a bit immature, I am glad to say that she grows up a little in the book Scarlett.

The reason that I have made Scarlett O'Hara one of my role models is because once she figures out that she really does love Rhett, she has the most amazing determination to win him back. She does whatever it takes to achieve her goals and she does not settle for anything but the best. This is the person I want to be!

I went back in for a session tonight and we picked up on the whole Gone with the Wind analogy. We decided that most of the men that have come and gone through my life are not even fit to be considered an Ashley and no one has come close to being a Rhett. I think the best part of this whole discussion was when we figured out that my ex husband would be similar to one of the Yankee soldiers who is there to ruin her life. Just like the Yankee's in the book, my ex husband will stop at nothing to make me feel inferior to him. He plans on doing what ever it takes to accomplish this. What he doesn't count on is my inner strength. I refuse to let him bully me around any longer!

Over the past couple of weeks I have been pondering my counselor's statement about finding a Rhett. I have done a lot of soul searching and have come up with the criteria that I am looking for in my Rhett. The list goes something like this:

JAIME’S IDEAL MAN

PHYSICAL:

• Taller than me
• Attractive
• Gorgeous inside and out
• Athletic
• Good dresser (or at least willing to take fashion advice)

PERSONALITY:

• Easy to get along with
• Good listener
• Loyal to me in all things
• Strong and mighty
• Not afraid to do what is right and be different for it
• Humble
• Playful
• Full of empathy and compassion
• Patient
• Knows what he wants in life
• Good sense of humor
  

SPIRITUAL:

• Religious
• Firm in the faith
• Righteous priesthood holder
• Wants to attend the temple and does on a regular basis
• Attends all church meetings
• Strong testimony
• Fulfills all church callings
• Integrity
• Wants to serve a mission with me
• Has morals and values
• Helps to enforce scripture study, prayer and FHE in the home

MISC:

• Must love to watch and/or participate in sports
• Accepts me for who I am
• Thinks I am amazing all the time, not perfect because that is not true, but amazing.
• Wants to be with me
• Trust
• Respect
• Loves my family and my family loves him
• Thinks I am a princess and treats me like one
• Hard worker
• Challenges Me
• Someone I can be myself with

I know that this may be a lot of things to ask for in a Rhett and some people may think that I am asking for too many things but frankly I spent 3 1/2 years of my life settling for a Yankee Soldier. As God as my witness I will never settle again! :)

A Look Into the Past

Here I go at my first attempt at blogging! I figured since I haven't talked to a lot of people since high school my first blog would be an overview of the last 8 years of my life. It has been full of a lot of ups and downs and tons of drama!
During my last semester of high school I had a lot of health problems which caused me to basically be bed ridden from Jan-April. I was totally lucky that English was the only class I had to graduate and I had an awesome English teacher that allowed me to do everything from home. Since I wasn't attending school at Provo High this allowed me to start college at UVSC at the beginning of May.
I have always known that I wanted to teach so I started out in Elementary Education but quickly got bored with those classes because they couldn't keep my attention. My favorite class was both an education and a psychology class so I decided to give more psychology classes a try. I fell in love with them so I switched majors.
In Jan 2003 I met Sean in one of my classes. There was something very unique about him and he had a way of drawing me in. We began dating in Feb and got engaged in March of 2003. I ended up going in for a pre-marital exam and was told that if I ever wanted to have kids that I needed to have surgery so at the beginning of April I ended up having surgery. It was from this point in time that our relationship started crumbling.
While I was drugged up on pain killer he decided to take advantage of me. This was the beginning of an extremely unhappy marriage. We ended up getting married on April 26, 2003. I won't go into a lot of details about it (if you want details just ask) but would love to say that the best part of my marriage was on Aug. 28, 2006 (the day that my divorce was finalized)...
While being married we moved from apartment to apartment because he was never satisfied with anything, and I graduated from college with a bachelor's degree in Behavioral Science with an emphasis in Social Work.
After graduation Sean decided that we were going to move to St. George. I found an amazing job at a youth facility and I totally loved almost everything about living there (my husband being the only exception). We lived there for 6 months before moving back to Happy Valley.
I got a job as an Office Manager at a counseling clinic. For the most part I loved my job there but felt something was missing. One day towards the end of May 2006 I felt a prompting that I needed to quit my job. I had no idea why but did it anyway.
For the next month I spent a lot of time at my parents house (which Sean had no idea about because I was not suppose to have contact with my family) looking in the paper for jobs. At this time my dad had been diagnosed with having bronchitis and was home in bed. I spent a lot of time hanging out with my dad and our relationship improved dramatically.
Towards the end of June my dad was not improving any so my mom took him back to the doctor's and they told them that he had Chronic Heart Failure, which by the way was not life threatening and could be treated by medicine. They got him to see a specialist the next day. My mom was not sure if she could take him so I agreed to take my dad to the doctors. My mom ended up able to come but asked me to come along anyway. The doctor requested that he go to the hospital so that he could be monitored and given the right medicine.
Once getting to the hospital they told my parents that he would have to stay a few days. My mom stayed with him until late that night and then came home. Around 2 am he went into cardiac arrest and was put on life support. He was moved into intensive care and they put a balloon pump in and we were told that if it didn't work he would need a transplant. He was transported to LDS hospital up in Salt Lake. By the time my family made it to Salt Lake we were told that nothing more could be done. This came as a total shock to my family. Taking my dad off life support was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.
We were given the choice of whether or not we wanted to be with my dad after shutting all the machines off. I knew that if I wasn't there that I would regret it for the rest of my life. I held my dad's hand until he passed on. This was one of the most spiritual experiences I have ever had. There was such a peaceful feeling in the room.
While losing my dad has been a huge challenge for me and my family we have also seen a lot of blessings. The night after my dad passed away he came to my uncle in a dream. He told my uncle about all the abuse that my husband was inflicting upon me (something that I had never told anyone about). He told my uncle that I needed to get out of the marriage. The next day my cousin confronted me about my marriage and we had a good talk about everything and I decided that my dad was right. I moved home a few weeks after the funeral and within two months of my dad's death I was officially divorced.
I have been so much more happy over the last 15 months but still I find myself going through a lot of ups and downs as I heal from the abuse I went through for 3 1/2 years. You would think that after being divorced for over a year that the drama would end, but Sean still comes around and tries to control my life.

Now for some good news:

On my 25th birthday I was able to go through the Provo Temple and take my endowments out. This was the best birthday present in all the world! I love the temple more than anything and am grateful for the blessings that I have received that are associated with going through.
This past summer I was fortunate to be able to go on a girl's vacation. My mom and her sister took all of us girls on a trip to Kansas City and to Nauvoo. My
family had never been back there and we had a ton of fun. The best part of the whole trip was temple day. My mom, aunt and I were able to help out down in the baptistery while my 2 sisters and 3 cousins did baptisms. After this we went and did an endowment session. The spirit was so strong! This was the best week ever!

Since the trip I have just been working at UVSC in the Intramural Department and trying my hardest to figure out what I really want out of life and putting my life back together. This is a lot harder than it looks. It has taken me a lot of counseling to get myself to where I am at the moment. I still have a long way to go!

Well.... this has been my life in a nutshell